I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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