Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You made out with two different species that night
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
