Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
