Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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