He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
