dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
