just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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