I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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