I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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