I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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