I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
