Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
