I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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