I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
soo... how was my night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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