How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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