You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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