if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
