My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
