No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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