I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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