I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When are your genitals available?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize