meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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