Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize