Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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