Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
