Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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