Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
