Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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