Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize