Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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