This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'd cum for enchiladas.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
