you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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