I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
