At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
