Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
