does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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