I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
