I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
