Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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