Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
