so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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