my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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