rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
