we have officially lost it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
