why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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