the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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