Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Panties = found
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