the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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