I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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