ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
