Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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