Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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