I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
