having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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