sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Randomize
