I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
