Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
