a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
