I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
