Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
