Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
