Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
