Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
